turning 21, running the last leg, and other contemplations

i'm not quite sure what to think about being 21 now. i look at that number and am actually a little frightened by it. feel like that number suggests some sound maturity and marks a place where i should be comfortable in my own skin. it feels like i should be so much more than i am. very often, i forget that i classify as an adult because i still feel like a kid in so many ways. adulthood denotes an air of grace and wisdom, and i think i'm very far from that. i'm only starting to believe that i'm coming into my own, being confident of my strengths but not beating myself up over my shortcomings. i've been learning to accept all parts of myself yet know that i am a long way from where God purposes me to be.

i've gone through a lot of changes this past year. 20, i think, was a defining year, and i don't just say that because it is a typical milestone year. a number of hardships and unforeseen circumstances were thrown my way. i was stretched, tested, and stretched some more. but of course, in all things, there is a lesson to be learned. some of the things i discovered, i unfortunately had to figure out the hard way. however, out of all those ugly trials, beautiful things did emerge. friendships deepened, faith strengthened, and character moulded. part of me hopes that 21 will be free of difficulty and stress, but i realize that such a prayer would be incredibly foolish. an easy life is not a life worth living because wisdom comes through wounds. i don't think Rainer Maria Rilke could have said it any better: Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness.... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.

a lot of things have been happening lately...don't get me wrong, i am 100% happy for all of my accomplished friends who got accepted into the programs they wanted to get into. i just hope that i can join in on their relief, excitement, and joy soon.


it's been an awesome run, and it's now down to the wire. i'm cutting it really close now... more thoughts to come later.

well for time being i just pray to be really appreciated for what i've learned and realised, that life's reali complicated and unpredicted. thanks SunLerk for giving this consciousness to me. may all will turn better in my future 21.